Glimpses of Truth

True personality.

True words.

True feelings.

True fears.

True hurts.

True trust.

We are beginning to see TRUTH!

Some of this I cannot hardly even begin to explain in a way that may make since to someone who has never experienced anything like this... But we have began to see amazing things in our son. There is a sparkle that is in his eyes when we talk to him and when he talks to us! That sparkle had no trouble appearing when he talked with other people but here at home it was almost non-existent. There is animation in his voice, teasing in his words and best of all, LOVE in his actions.

It is mostly small things, things others just assume all children naturally do. Things I always just assumed children naturally did. Like them telling you when something hurts... it's always been a denial thing, he could be bleeding but it doesn't hurt and there's no way on earth he's going to let me touch him or put a band aid on, let alone actually comfort him. We've suspected all along he has some joint pain in one knee because he limps at times. But whenever we asked if his knee hurts, he glares a cold, icy glare and snarls "No!" at us (me, especially). But today... Just today he came to me, limping, and told me his knee hurts!

Or if he needs help... He REFUSES to ask me for help. If Luke is here, he will go out of his way to avoid me in this area. I sit by him at the table but he deliberately refuses my assistance and instead asks Luke. Luke usually tells him to ask me... Which he'd rather skip the fruit snacks then ask me to open them for him, skip the drink then ask me to refill his cup, skip whatever the privilege may be to avoid putting himself in a position of NEEDING his mommy's help.

But this week--- I have been asked to help open fruit snacks, buckle belts, open toy cabinets, fill up cups, put on gloves, open string cheese... just to name a few. He reminds himself often that if he needs help, he can ask Mom. I've reminded him of that over and over and over... it's sinking in and he's allowing himself to "need" help.

True trust! He's beginning to trust us to take care of him. To be there for him. He is beginning to be protective of me... just a little tiny bit. But that's improvement! If I hadn't been given a napkin at the table, he'd normally never let on that he'd noticed, let alone that he cared. He's made sure I've been given a napkin, or a fork, or whatever I had been missing. He's thanking God for Luke and I in his prayers. He's coming in to "check up" on me during the day. He's allowing me to hug him, to kiss him, to hold him without stiffing up and glaring at me. He's even drawing pictures for me!

How about "recover" after being corrected instead of launching an all out war against mom? I understand children tend to pout when they don't get what they wanted, but how about being asked to stop something so they pee on your walls? Or make themselves vomit? Or scream for a few hours (without stopping)? Or destroy toys/clothes/other items? How about pretend they can't hear you or have no idea what you're talking about? Or worse...

Recovery is huge! Children naturally need correction. Mothers naturally do not want a war over every.single.correction.all.day.long! Sometimes I go back and forth with myself over whether or not to correct him, but I have to come back to the fact that if I have asked him to do or not to do something I MUST follow through and gain his trust. He MUST have consistency. I believe God knew every single situation before He ever dictated the Bible... He makes it very clear that a parent who does not (lovingly) correct their children does not love them. Many days it become a game to him... how much could he juuuuust push the line before there would be a consequence? Sad to say, I've totally blown it many times. Instead of showing him I was there and I do mean what I say (I'M GOING TO LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO) I have to mean what I say ALL the time. We noticed when he'd get up, the very first thing he would do is look for buttons to push and lines to tow. If I admonished him and then had no consequence the pushing got SO much worse. And it would last all.day.long. I felt like I could not even give him any grace because he simply couldn't trust me if I did. So once we started having an equal and opposite reaction for each of his actions, we started having better days. There was trust built when we kept our word. Grace will come as he learns what it means, trust has to come first.

I have to keep reminding myself not to take it personally. And to realize that so far, "Mom" has simply been a name that all his prior caregivers have *happened* to have. It is like us all bring named Anna. There is no [loving] meaning attached to the name. But one thing for sure, every one of those named "mom" will send you away at some point. So once the "new and fun" wears off, you may as well see how long it takes before this "Mom" sends you away, right?

And this has been the game plan for almost 2 years now. It leaves me wondering often, how much longer is this the plan? How much longer until he can accept love? How much longer until his shattered little heart can be put back together? How much longer until he can trust? I plead with The Lord for Quinn's healing. I plead for my own healing. This broken little child has challenged every single thing inside of me. God has used him mightily. How much has He taught me? More than I may ever know.

Not a day goes by, regardless how difficult it is, that I am not thankful for Quinn. He's shown me the true meaning of love. What it means to love something that is not yours... until it becomes yours.

I have seen exactly how ugly I am. How sinful I am. How much my behavior is so similar to my son's. I have seen how much in need of my Jesus I truly am. How there is nothing good I can do apart from Him. I needed this child. I stand amazed at God's awesome plan of redeeming and sanctifying me. ME!

One week does not necessarily mean we haven't had any issues. But it means that we haven't had anymore than any of the other children! We may still "relapse" (honestly, I'm pretty sure we will) but the happy times are getting longer and more frequent and the challenging times are getting fewer and further between. I am confident that anytime I invest in these children will not be wasted and God will continue to work all things out for good... I'm trusting Him.