Welcome to Holland

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

Today I'd like to introduce you to our newest daughter, Miss J. She just joined our family this week, and she'll be our tour guide in "Holland". Darling Miss J has Down Syndrome. She's precious. She's brilliant. She's perfect, just the way God made her.

I've advocated for many children with DS, and it's always been something that has had a special place in my heart. The poem, "Welcome to Holland"  is one that I first heard as a senior in high school, when I took an Understanding Special Needs course at the community college. I even shared the poem with a Mom's newsletter once. But I never expected that WE would have the honor of raising a child with Down Syndrome.

A few weeks ago, we were contacted by DSHS, and asked if we'd be willing to take custody of a legally free little girl. We said we'd like to hear more, to have time to pray about it, speak with our family, and to meet her. We attended her FTDM meeting and learned a great deal of information about her and her case. I'll admit, it looked very big and pretty scary to me. We decided to pray about it. In the mean time, however, a relative of hers decided they'd like placement, so she moved in with them. Then a week later, Miss J's SW called and asked if we'd be willing to do respite care for Miss J for a weekend. We agreed, and she spent from Friday to Monday with us. We had a marvelous time, and totally fell in love with this darling child!

About a week after leaving our home, Miss J's SW called again, this time asking us to take permanent custody of Miss J because the relative had changed their mind. The plan would be us working to finalize her adoption in 4-6 months. We already loved Miss J, and our children had asked if she could come back every single day since she'd left... but we were hesitant to commit. Luke was leaving for Japan in just a couple of days, and we just couldn't get a clear feeling of direction. We decided to say no. It just looked too big.

Luke left for Japan, and I started getting a very unsettled feeling about our decision. I wondered if we'd made the wrong decision, but I didn't want to badger Luke into agreeing to something like this. So I decided to not mention a thing to him pray that if the unsettled feeling was in fact from God, and we had made the wrong decision, God would speak to Luke on this. I wanted it to come from him.

After he was in Japan a while, Luke called. He said he did not feel at peace with our decision, and he felt like God was telling him all of our reasons for saying no were selfish. He wondered how I felt about calling the SW back and telling her we'd love to welcome Miss J into our family. Of course, I was thrilled! Now I won't lie: it felt very, very scary and big and quite challenging. After hearing of all the issues Miss J deals with, I selfishly didn't want to have to enter back into these and live there. I have grown accustomed to our life, and it feels so do-able. But clearly God was telling us He had another plan, and He was going to shake us up again.

We called the SW back and said yes. :) 

We went and bought the needed supplies for adding another little person to our tribe, made the necessary bedroom sleeping arrangements, and dove into learning about "Holland". I am amazed at how God has provided exactly what we've needed when we have needed it... I shouldn't be, but I am. He even sent two older women who have both been foster parents for years AND who are both Special Ed teachers to speak with me in Walmart! They walked me all the way through the school situation and what to suggest/mention when registering Miss J for school. Our children are ELATED and could not be more supportive, even as we've tried to explain some of the issues we may face. 

And we feel at peace.

Miss J turned SEVEN last week. She is smack in the middle of Quinn and Halli, so 4 months younger than Quinn, and 4 months older than Halli. This means we will have 3 seven year olds soon....! She is SMALLER than Trey, however, so Miss J is one teeny, tiny little chickadee! She adores our kittens, thinks Luke is positively tops, has the most infectious giggle, and has a stubborn streak like nobody's business. Although she is small, she is quite mighty in her ability to charm her way into even the most stoic of hearts. She is careful of younger children and babies, and appreciates high fives and "YAYs!" directed her way.

I look forward to getting to know this darling little child better, and spending the entire rest of my life loving her. I'm sure she'll charm her way into your heart as well! :)