But what about when it's the kind of "no" that may bring along its entourage of little hissy-fits, temper tantrums, or pouty faces. Sometimes even flat out refusal to comply? You know, like the mule refusing to budge while the master yanks the rope with all his might?
Well, this stubborn, refuse to give up, bad attitude kind of "no" is the one I'm thinking about right now.
That's the kind of "No" I need to practice embracing. It's the kind of "no" that maybe feels so unfair. The kind of "no" that you waited so long for the "yes", and it just feels like betrayal or devastation or maybe even angering when it turns out to be a "no". The I-had-my-heart-set-on-that kind of "no".
Our whole family has had our hearts set on having another daughter/sister around here. It felt like God had answered our prayers, and even went above and beyond and gave us TWO girls! We truly loved having our little "Y & K" here. Sisters and girl snuggles and tutus and tea parties and oh, Halli especially, was having a BALL!
But then the "no" came. I'm not sure the feeling of having children you were told would likely be yours, taken away from you is something I can put into words. I'm mean, I can boil it down to "God knows best and He loves them more than we ever did, so He has a plan for their lives"... and that's exactly what I have done for the past three months. But then I spoke on the phone with their current caregiver last week to check in, and although they're doing well, (honestly, a huge praise!!) I accidentally got to speak with my little miss "Y". The phone got put on speakerphone and she picked up on and recognized my voice from across the room. I heard a tiny voice say, "Is that my Anna?! Is that my mommy?!"
It only took those few words for that boiled down, cliché phrase to totally cut back loose, and all the feelings that have been hiding for the past three months to resurface. I miss those little girlies so badly. I was back fighting the "no" so stubbornly again. I had turned into the mule who refuses to be moved from my place of hurt and pain and loss, to a place where I can bless the current caregiver and show love and support for these children.
Oh, I said the words, all right. How if there is anything we can do to make it easier for them, how we'd love to do a play date sometime, all that stuff. (And to be fair, I REALLY do want to help and to see them again, but my selfish, stubborn self is rebelling against them not being "mine" right now.)
I had taken up pleading with God to call us away from foster care. To just let us be done. To shield us from anymore loss, anymore pain. I had even begged Him (briefly) to ask us to "find" a daughter overseas, or through some private adoption route. But you know what? The answer was "no" for now. It was more the relieving kind of "no", really. Because I deeply desire to be right where He has called us. Right (with Him) in the middle of all this messy pain, these messy relationships, and these messy foster care situations.
I have to ask Him daily, to help me lay down my stubbornness and my desire to protect myself. I have to trust Him when He reminds me what it meant when Christ laid down His life for me. It wasn't just the path of no pain. It wasn't the happy-go-lucky rainbows and unicorns and smiling daisies path.
There was pain, agony even.
Sadness, anguish, really.
But love.
There was a deep,
never shaken,
unmovable,
all encompassing,
LOVE.
And that is what keeps us coming back for more.
HIS LOVE.
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;
Philippians 1:6
8 comments:
Oh Anna just reading this brought back a flood of emotions for myself. I wish we could sit down over coffee and I could share our whole story with you. But this will have to do ;) You see, after about a year of doing all the requirements of the system, getting our home ready and even having the children every weekend for visits to get them ready for transition, they literally in a matter of 2 hours snatched them up and placed them with another foster family, they said to allow the mother one more chance to get the children back, although the children had been in the system for 2 years at this point and she had countless chances. We were to have no contact with them because that would hinder their bond with their mother. I just have to say that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in all my life!! To walk away from children that I knew were mine in my heart. But I just kept hearing God tell me 'be still and know I am God'. And as crazy as it sounds a peace came over me. I knew our journey wasn't over yet, but I knew I needed to step back, you see I'm a doer and fixer of all things lol, and let God work. It took 5 months, but the day we received the phone call that our babies were coming home to us was the best day ever! And to top it all off God blessed us unexpectedly with their baby sister. We would not have been able to have her with us if they had not been placed in another home. God has a plan, you my friend know this. Hang in there, because I can't wait to see what He does with your family! Who knows maybe just maybe he'll bring those precious girls back to you ;)
Oh, Anna, I am so sorry!! I've never even met these precious little girlies you love so much, but my heart breaks for the whole situation. I canNOT even imagine what yours must be feeling. Thank you for being honest & real. I know it sounds so trifle, but I AM praying. I don't even always know what to pray for... but I'm continuing to pray.
Oh my...you wrote exactly what I needed to read today. I was finding myself back in the "anger" place with our No the last couple of days. I`m so sorry for the hurt you`re experiencing, and will pray! Its so hard to see the big picture sometimes, and I wouldn`t even want to, it would probably stress me out even more :) but sometimes I wish I could just know what the big plan is....but then I wouldn`t have to trust or have faith. One thing I do know, is God has been faithful to meet me in my pain and anger and He has given me a peace I didn`t think would ever come. So thankful we have a Savior and a refuge to go to in the storms.
Foster care is such a messy business. Everything without Jesus is a messy business!
Oh, Holly! I sure do wish we could sit down together and talk. Someday, my friend, someday. Thank you for taking the time to share this and encourage me. You've blessed me!!
And Rebekah, just KNOWING friends like you care and pray makes a world of difference!!
Kara, you and your little Miss have crossed my mind offen... Praying for you all, and so thankful that God DOES continue to meet us in our pain and anger. <3
Isn't it, tho? Seeing this truth just so clear kind of made me do a double take when I read your comment. So, so true.
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Blessings!